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I was born, I'm currently living, and will eventually die. After that I face my judgment, and we'll talk then.


Friday, May 08, 2009

Trapped in the '70s!

Crack-pot theories are much more bizarre when the person developing them is neither on crack nor smoking pot. I fall into this category, and have for your delight a rather strange theory.

We, that is, the world, has somehow spun into the past. That’s right, we have somehow returned to the 1970s!!!!

Preposterous, you shout. Ibid, you are on crack. Wrong, I reply. My blood shot eyes are due to the pollen, not the drugs.


So anyway, yeah, the ‘70s. The decade of disco and the end of Vietnam and the rise of other stuff. The ‘70s.

There are several pieces of evidence in support of my theory. It consists of uncanny similarities between the decade 30 years ago and our present world. Those who are weak at heart might want to avert your eyes.

1. 3D movies – In the 1970s there was a burst of 3D movies, that is, movies which had specific scenes where the audience placed special glasses on their faces so that the images on the screen would jump out at said audience. It is an exciting feeling when a monster or exploding piece of rock flies off of the screen and right at your face. What better than films like Jaws 3D to exploit this marvel of moviemaking? What could be more exciting than 3D movies? Not much, and there was a plethora of 3D films at that time, each one designed to grab the audience and drag them into the movie. It was the closest one could get to living the movie. 3D movies died down after the 1970s, occasionally coming out of their caves to remind the movie-going public what they were missing without plastic 3D glasses (which, by the way, do nothing to the everyday items in our world; it merely bathes them in a sickly reddish-bluish color). Everyone seemed to be consoled that the 3D movie craze was over. Then, in the last couple years, 3D movies magically appeared in theaters and on movie screens. Maybe it was the strange obsession with having movies in IMAX, or maybe it was the need to find something new and exciting, and since there is nothing “new” in the world of entertainment, the old had to be re-hashed. It seems that every animated movie that is coming out this year is also in 3D. Some are filmed to highlight the 3D effect, such as the recently released Monsters vs. Aliens. This is a neutral gift from the days of yore, since on the one hand it makes watching the movie without the 3D glasses slightly surreal, yet on the other hand, with the glasses it is freaking awesome itself.

2. Skinny Jeans – Grant it, girls have been wearing skinny jeans for a long time. In that sense, they have never gone out of style since their creation. I’m more concerned with the more recent phenomenon of boys wearing skinnies. Haven’t seen it anywhere, save for gay men? Well, one of my students, a boy, has taken it upon himself to start a fashion revolution. This boy has worn skinny jeans to every single dress down day this year. One of those days (I believe it was St. Patrick’s Day, of all days), he wore purple ones. Note to all men: When girls ask you where you got your pants, with interest of purchasing a similar pair, it is time to seek new clothes.

3. Gas prices – Holy Crap! Our gas prices have reached CRAZY high prices, to the point where there has been crowding around the cheapest stations. Now, I wasn’t alive then, but I saw the signs and pictures, and have heard the stories of how there was a similar problem, oh I don’t know, in the 1970s. Now is not the time, my fellow Americans, to buy a gas guzzling monster truck. Now is the time to buy a more energy efficient car. Or, God forbid, walk or bike ride, or ride a bus, or a metro, or WALK! Gas prices might get higher, but so might the college students if they legalize pot. There are other things to do with our panic.

4. A Democrat is our President – After 8 years, the Dems have taken over the highest office in the nation. Not only is it a Democrat (not an evil in itself, mind you), but it is a FLAMING LIBERAL SOCIALIST! There, I said it. There is no middle ground when you ignore the other side. Yeah, how’s your Hope and Change working out for you, eh? If Good Ol’ Jimmy Carter was here. . . Oh well. But wait, there’s more. Our current president ran on a platform against the previous president, and won the heart of the trusting nation, including almost everyone I work with, as well as almost every parent at the school. So too was the case in the ‘70s, when the Dems charmed the common man. History repeats itself again. Is that really change we can believe in?

5. We are involved in unpopular foreign conflicts – Iraq and Afghanistan are not, obviously, the first wars of their kind in our history. Americans have a tendency to stick our noses in everyone else’s damn business. It happened at the end of the ‘60d and into the ‘70s in Vietnam. That was a PR disaster for us, as are the wars in the Middle East. Now, the similarity between the two wars has been made by other commentators, and even by protestors themselves. The above comment about our new president are tied in here, since the democrats running in the ‘70s promised a quick removal from Vietnam, as did Obama. There are even anti-war songs in our popular music. As MC Lars says in his song “I Generation,” “No Vietnam for us, yo Iraq its on!” The connection is there.

6. Bob Dylan has a new album out – Speaking of protest singers, Bob Dylan has released a new album. Now, this album isn’t necessarily filled with protest songs, but the fact that Mr. Dylan is still making music reminds one of the 1970s, for sure.

As you can see, there are several points in defense of my thesis. As a final note, I will remind you that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat its mistakes.

I will take any questions from the audience.

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